Estrangement Is the Last Resort: Why Adult Children Cut Off Their Parents

Estrangement is not impulsive, and it’s certainly not because we don’t love our parents.

It’s the decision we make when every other option has failed. People don't cut other's off from loving, healthy relationships.

I’ve had an on-again, off-again relationship with my own parents for years, and the only reason it was ever “on again” was because I assumed that time passing meant they’d grown or changed. That’s not always the case. In fact, it rarely is.

I moved out on my own at 16 after being repeatedly kicked out for getting in the middle of my parents’ senseless arguments and standing up to what I recognized, even then, as very immature and abusive behavior such as throwing things, name-calling, and making threats. Several years went by before things rekindled, but nothing had been addressed or resolved, so the cycle repeated. We had a huge falling out right before my wedding, which they did not attend (that’s a whole other story for another day), and then we didn’t speak for several more years. We reconnected again (after time passed), still without any conversation about change going forward. And here we are estranged once again, this time after my dad publicly made sexually inappropriate comments on young girls’ posts online while married.

As adult children, we are wired to want connection with our parents. We crave their love, approval, and emotional safety. Most of us will overlook bad behavior, make excuses, and try harder than we should, sometimes for decades, before ever considering going no-contact.

We stay even when it hurts.

We forgive without seeing change.

We bend ourselves to fit the relationship, hoping one day things will be different.

The breaking point comes when we realize the cost is too high. When the relationship starts eroding our mental health, our self-worth, and our ability to live in peace.

Stepping away becomes the only way to protect ourselves.

When Estrangement Becomes the Only Option

We don’t walk away at the first sign of conflict. We walk away after:

• Repeated attempts at resolution that go nowhere

• Bringing up our feelings only to be met with denial, defensiveness, or blame

• Trying to set boundaries and having them ignored or mocked

• Watching the same hurtful behavior repeat, despite promises to change

• Realizing accountability is never going to happen

  
  

When you’ve made every effort to talk things through calmly or even suggested professional help, yet nothing changes, the truth becomes hard to ignore. They are unwilling to take responsibility, and without responsibility, there can be no other way forward.

The Excuses For Estrangement That Parents Give (and Why They’re Not True)

When estranged parents are confronted with the reality of the separation and people start to ask questions, they often reach for some of the following excuses:

“They were influenced by someone else.” 

No one can be convinced to leave a healthy relationship. We make our own choices based on our own experiences.

“They’re just too sensitive.” 

Sensitivity isn’t the problem. Hurtful behavior is.

“They’re holding onto the past.” 

Most of us have forgiven countless times. Forgiveness is meaningless without change.

“They’ve always been very difficult.” 

If that is true, it is often a reflection of the environment they were raised in and how their emotional needs were not met during childhood. Dismissing someone as “difficult” avoids looking at the role parenting played in shaping those patterns and ignores the possibility for growth and repair.

These excuses not only avoid accountability but also keep the parent stuck in the same unhealthy patterns. They act as a form of self-sabotage and rationalization, allowing them to protect their ego and cover the guilt they might feel rather than face it.

A parent who truly wants repair would replace excuses with curiosity, humility, and a willingness to listen.

It’s Not the Child’s Job to Repair the Relationship

In most healthy families, it’s the parent who takes the lead in repairing a strained relationship. That’s not because the adult child has no responsibility, but because the parent is typically the one with more life experience and, ideally, more emotional maturity. From both an attachment and developmental psychology perspective, the foundation of emotional responsibility in a parent–child relationship begins with the parent, especially if the rupture stems from their actions or patterns.

Through my reading and research on emotionally immature parents, the main reason a parent does not attempt reconciliation is often due to a lack of their own emotional maturity. This makes it difficult for them to acknowledge fault or face uncomfortable truths about their own behaviour in the first place.

When a parent chooses to bring a child into the world, they also take on the role of a guide and role model. Part of that role is demonstrating how to own mistakes, take accountability, and initiate repair. A willingness to take the first step sets the tone for a healthier, more trusting reconnection.

People don’t walk away from love. They walk away from harm, control, and emotional environments that are unsafe. If the relationship had been loving, safe, and respectful, there would be no need for distance in the first place.

What It Takes For Reconnection

Time alone does not heal a broken relationship. And while a heartfelt apology can be meaningful, on its own it is not enough.

True repair requires:

• Genuine accountability for past actions

• Acknowledging the harm without excuses, minimization, or shifting blame

• A clear commitment to change, backed by consistent follow-through

• Respecting boundaries without resentment or pushback

• Seeking professional support, such as therapy, to address deeper patterns

  
  

Reconciliation is possible, but only when the parent is willing to put in the work with no expectation of instant forgiveness or a return to the way things were. Trust must be rebuilt, and that takes time, humility, and consistent effort.

The Truth Most People Don’t See

Walking away wasn’t me giving up. It was me saving myself.

I stayed far longer than I should have because I believed love meant enduring. But love without respect, empathy, and accountability isn’t actually love at all. It is dysfunction.

When people who have healthy relationships hear about your estrangement, they might say things like:

“But they’re your parents!”

“You only get one mom and dad.”

“Family is everything.”

“You’ll regret it when they’re gone.”

They say these things because they do not know what it was like for you. They are filtering your choice to go no contact through the lens of their own healthy and loving relationship with their parents. From their perspective, they cannot imagine ever doing the same, so they cannot understand where you’re coming from.

You do not owe them an explanation.

If you’ve chosen estrangement, you are not cold, ungrateful, or heartless. You’re someone who reached their breaking point after years of trying.

And if our parents ever decide to take responsibility, listen without defensiveness, and meet us with genuine care, there’s always a chance to rebuild if you're able to forgive.

Until that day comes, we know our choice to protect ourselves is valid. We have the right to peace. We have the right to create a life where our worth is not questioned, our boundaries are respected, and our hearts are safe.

Children never naturally desire estrangement from their parents. It is always a last resort. We are wired to want their love, approval, and connection, and most of us will exhaust every option before we ever consider stepping away.

Estrangement is not a failure. It is an act of courage.

It is choosing self-respect over constant pain, truth over denial, and healing over pretending everything is fine.

We do not walk away from love. We walk away from harm.