Signs You Grew Up In A Dysfunctional Family And What To Do About It Now

For years, I didn’t even realize my family was dysfunctional.

When dysfunction is all you know, you don’t question it... you adapt to it.

I grew up in a home where angry outbursts, emotional volatility, and things being thrown across the room were considered normal. My entire nervous system was wired to walk on eggshells, anticipate my father’s moods and respond accordingly. If he couldn’t find the remote control, it wasn’t just a slight inconvenience. It would trigger a full-blown rage episode. Yelling. Slamming. Objects flying across the room. Reflecting on this now, as an adult, I honestly can’t even comprehend it. The emotional immaturity it must take to explode over something so minor is staggering. My adult self can’t wrap her head around reacting so severely to such a small inconvenience, but my child self was terrified.

Everyone in the house adapted accordingly-- my two little brothers and mom. Our family functioned like a crisis response team, making sure to the best of our abilities that dad had what he needed, when he needed it, to avoid setting him off. His mood ruled the house, and it dictated our sense of safety.

And then there was my mom, the one who confused me the most. Her obsession with having a picture-perfect family to present to the outside world made everything even more disorienting. In public, she was warm, polite, nurturing. She complimented others, smiled for photos, and played the role of the supportive wife, yet at home, she covered up my father’s behavior, minimized our trauma, and kept telling me I was exaggerating. It reached a point where I started to question if I really even knew her at all. I didn’t understand how someone could act so loving in front of others, and yet completely dismiss my pain behind closed doors. It wasn’t until recently that I learned what a communal covert narcissist was, and suddenly, it all made sense.

When it came to a healthy family life, I had no frame of reference. I assumed all families were like mine. Emotional repression, constant self-blame, silence, abuse and fear became my version of normal. It wasn’t until I spent time in other people’s homes or saw how families were portrayed on TV that I started to feel something deep in my gut, a knowing that what I experienced was far from normal.

Maybe you can relate.

Maybe you’ve spent years knowing something wasn’t quite right, but couldn’t explain why. Or maybe, like me, you’ve started noticing certain behaviours in your adult life, like anxiety, depression, emotional shutdown, or hypervigilance, and you're beginning to trace them back to the environment you were raised in.

After all, there’s a reason the first thing a therapist asks is, "Can you tell me about your childhood." Most of our adult mental health conditions can be linked back to early childhood experiences. Our coping mechanisms didn’t come out of nowhere. They were shaped by what we had to do to feel safe, accepted, or simply to survive. When we begin to understand that, healing becomes possible.

Before we carry on, I want you to know this: you're not crazy, you're not weak, and you're definitely not alone. One thing I’ve come to learn through writing these blogs and sharing my story is just how many of us are out here, quietly carrying the weight of a childhood that left invisible scars. Some of us never even realized how heavy that weight was until we finally started to name it.

The silence we were raised in doesn’t have to continue. You’re allowed to question it. You’re allowed to feel angry, confused or hurt. Whatever you feel is valid. And whatever you’ve been through, it’s not too late to understand it, speak it, and begin to heal.

How to Know If Your Family Was Dysfunctional

First of all, you most certainly don’t need a checklist to validate your experience, but sometimes, a few truths spelled out plainly can bring massive clarity. Here are some signs your family might have been dysfunctional:

1. You Were "Parentified" or Emotionally Neglected

• You were expected to be the emotional support system for your parents.

• Your feelings or needs were often ignored, minimized, or punished.

Why it matters: When you're forced to take on adult responsibilities as a child, or your emotional needs are dismissed, it can lead to chronic anxiety, hyper-responsibility, difficulty trusting others, and an inability to ask for help later in life.

2. There Were “Unspeakable” Topics

• Certain truths were off-limits.

• You were taught to protect the family image at all costs.

Why it matters: This creates deep confusion and internal conflict. You learn to silence your truth to maintain loyalty, which leads to shame, emotional repression, and difficulty speaking up for yourself as an adult.

3. Love Was Conditional

• Approval came only when you performed, obeyed, or dimmed your light.

• You learned to suppress parts of yourself to avoid conflict or rejection.

Why it matters: When love needs to be earned instead of given freely, you begin to associate self-worth with productivity, perfectionism, or people-pleasing, often at the expense of your true self.

4. You Were Gaslit

• Your reality was often denied.

• You were told you were too sensitive, overreacting, or making things up, even when you clearly weren’t.

Why it matters: Gaslighting erodes your sense of reality and self-trust. You begin to question your instincts, second-guess your emotions, and struggle to feel confident in your decisions.

5. No One Took Accountability

• Mistakes were never owned.

• Blame was always shifted.

• Apologies were rare or manipulative, such as "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Why it matters: When no one models healthy accountability, you internalize guilt that doesn’t belong to you. It becomes harder to recognize healthy dynamics and easier to tolerate toxic ones.

6. You Were Labeled ‘The Problem’ for Speaking Up

• The truth-teller becomes the scapegoat in dysfunctional families.

• If you challenged the narrative, you were treated as the issue.

Why it matters: Being punished for telling the truth creates deep shame and self-doubt. You learn that keeping the peace matters more than your pain, a belief that can follow you into every area of adult life.

7. Emotional Expression Was Unsafe or Discouraged

• You were told to stop crying, toughen up, or "get over it."

• Your feelings were dismissed, mocked, or ignored.

  
  

Why it matters: When emotional expression isn’t safe, you learn to disconnect from your feelings. This can lead to emotional shutdown, dissociation, or difficulty accessing and processing emotions later in life.

8. Boundaries Were Nonexistent or Constantly Violated

• Your privacy wasn’t respected emotionally, physically, or mentally.

• You were made to feel guilty for needing space or saying no.

Why it matters: A lack of boundaries growing up makes it hard to recognize or set them as an adult. This often results in codependency, burnout, or feeling unsafe in relationships.

9. You Took On the Role of the Fixer, Peacemaker, or Overachiever

• You became the glue that held everything together.

• You over-functioned to avoid conflict or gain approval.

  
  

Why it matters: Taking on adult roles as a child may have earned temporary praise, but it came at the cost of your own emotional development. As an adult, this can turn into burnout, perfectionism, and constantly putting others first.

10. You Were Never Truly Seen for Who You Are

• You had to play a role, like the good kid, the rebel, or the helper, instead of being yourself.

• Your individuality was dismissed, inconvenient, or ignored.

Why it matters: Not being seen or accepted for who you are creates identity confusion and low self-worth. You may struggle to know what you truly want or feel unsafe showing up authentically.

What To Do Now

1. Acknowledge the Truth Without Guilt

It’s okay to grieve what you didn’t have. It’s okay to feel angry, confused, or sad. Recognizing dysfunction is the first step towards self-awareness

2. Start the Reparenting Process

Your job now isn’t to “fix” your family, it’s to care for the parts of you that were never nurtured:

• Validate your emotions.

• Learn how to meet your own needs.

• Give your inner child what they never received: consistency, protection, and unconditional care.

  
  

3. Set Boundaries Without Apologizing

Boundaries aren’t punishments. They’re clarity. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you were probably made to feel like having needs, preferences, or limits was selfish, disrespectful, or wrong. The truth is, boundaries are a form of self-respect. You get to decide what you will and won’t allow in your life, even if it upsets people who benefited from your silence or compliance.

4. Surround Yourself With Safe People

You may never get the validation you hoped for from your family, but you can find healing in new, healthy relationships. Open up to people who see you, hear you, and honour your truth. Find community, therapy, or even online spaces where you feel safe enough to fully be yourself.

5. Tell Your Story (When You’re Ready)

Whether it’s through journaling, therapy, blogging, or writing a book, telling your story can be deeply healing. You don’t need to shout it from the rooftops, but keeping it buried can keep you stuck. Letting it out, even in a small way, is an act of freedom.

6. Learn to Regulate Your Nervous System

Healing from a dysfunctional family isn’t just mental or emotional, it’s physical. Trauma lives in the body. If you grew up constantly scanning for danger, walking on eggshells, or trying to manage someone else's emotions, your nervous system likely adapted to stay in fight or flight. Things you can try:

• Breathwork and grounding exercises

• Journaling to process emotions

• Prioritizing healthy, gut-supportive eating

• Rebalancing your gut microbiome to support mental clarity and mood

• Getting natural sunlight each day to help regulate your circadian rhythm and boost serotonin

• Yoga, walking or gentle movement.

• Grounding your feet in nature, literally standing barefoot on the earth to calm your system and reconnect to your body

• Learning to recognize your triggers and practicing self-soothing techniques

  
  

What I Want You To Know

If no one ever told you this before, your dysfunctional family was never your fault. The dysfunction you experienced wasn’t love and you deserved better.

Your desire for peace, clarity, and healing is valid.

You’re not crazy.

You’re not ungrateful.

You’re just waking up.

And that is the first step toward breaking the cycle.

You don’t have to keep pretending it didn’t affect you.

You don’t have to carry the weight of silence, guilt, or shame that was never yours to begin with.

You’re allowed to grieve what you never got.

You’re allowed to feel angry about how you were treated, and you’re allowed to start over, not by changing your past, but by reclaiming your future.

Healing isn’t about having it all figured out. It’s about choosing yourself, day by day, even when it’s uncomfortable. I know how isolating this path can feel. But I promise, you’re not alone in it. There are more of us out there than you think, quietly unlearning, healing, and rebuilding our lives from the inside out.

The fact that you're reading this blog is evidence that something inside you is ready for change. It means you're no longer willing to carry what was never yours. You're reflecting, you're asking questions, and you're giving yourself permission to grow.

You’re just getting started, and that is something to be proud of.