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Why Emotionally Immature Parents Say “I Did the Best I Could”
- Rebecca Hamilton
- Aug 10
- 7 min read
For years, I heard my mother say it: “I did the best I could.”
It was her go-to line whenever the topic of my childhood came up. She said it so often, and in such a matter-of-fact way, that over time the abuse I experienced-- the verbal attacks, the emotional neglect, and the complete lack of protection began to feel like a normal part of growing up.
I am a hyper-empathetic person, and that trait did not appear out of nowhere. Many children of emotionally immature parents develop an extreme sense of empathy because they grow up having to anticipate and manage the emotions of the adults around them. It becomes a survival skill, reading every shift in tone and every subtle change in body language in order to stay safe or avoid conflict. Over time, this hyper-attunement to other people’s feelings can make it easy to excuse or rationalize harmful behaviour because you can see the pain or history that shaped it.
For me, that meant I could logically trace my mother’s behaviour back to her own childhood. I understood the ways she was shaped by her parents, her wounds, and her lack of tools. I could see why she became who she became, and I used that understanding to make sense of things that should never have been justified.
While empathy is generally seen as a positive quality, being overly empathetic can be deeply problematic. It can lead to tolerating mistreatment, downplaying your own pain, and continually prioritizing the needs of others at the expense of your own well-being. It blurs the line between understanding someone and enabling them, making it harder to set healthy boundaries or hold people accountable for their actions.
Why Emotionally Immature Parents Say “I Did the Best I Could”
When a parent says “I did the best I could”, it is rarely about reflecting on the past. More often, in my experience, it is about controlling the narrative in the present. It can be a defensive move meant to:
Minimize or erase your lived experience.
Avoid accountability for the harm they caused.
Keep their self-image intact.
This is a very obvious form of gaslighting. By framing the past through their own selective version of events, they subtly rewrite history in a way that makes their actions seem reasonable and your hurt seem exaggerated or misplaced. Over time, hearing this repeatedly can make you question whether the harm you remember was as bad as you think, or whether you are somehow misinterpreting it. The goal, consciously or unconsciously, is to make you doubt your own reality so that you are less likely to challenge theirs. A healthy parent would not even feel the need to use the line “I did the best I could” as a justification. If they had truly reflected on their past behaviour and recognized the harm it caused, they would be too appalled by it to defend it. Instead of framing their actions as “the best,” they would be far more willing to admit, “You know what, I really fucked up. I should have handled things differently, and I’m sorry. I will never let that happen again.”
A parent who is genuinely committed to growth is not focused on protecting their self-image, they are focused on repairing the damage and earning back trust. They understand that minimizing or rebranding harmful behaviour only adds another layer of hurt. True accountability does not hide behind excuses; it owns the truth, even when it is uncomfortable, and then proves through changed behaviour that the lessons have been learned.
The Real Question to Ask:
If someone says “I did the best I could,” the question becomes:
“Are you doing the best you can today, or are you still doing the same version of your best from back then?”
It’s true that we can only act from the awareness and tools we have at the time. But if you know better now, you should do better now.
A genuine example might sound like this: “I thought I was doing my best back then because I didn’t realize my outbursts of anger and physical violence were wrong, I just reacted. But now I know it’s wrong, and that’s why I no longer act that way.”
That is growth.
That is accountability.
That is change you can see.
If nothing about their behaviour has changed and they still use the same shaming, controlling, or dismissive tactics, then “I did the best I could” isn’t truth. It’s an excuse.
My Mother’s Version of “Her Best”
In my personal experience, my mother has often behaved in ways that I now understand to be consistent with what I’ve learned about covert and communal narcissism (see definitions below). I am not a psychologist, but these are very predictable patterns I have noticed repeatedly.
Throughout my life. Her “best” included:
Staying with my father even after years of being made aware of his sexually inappropriate behaviour.
Lying or distorting events to others in order to protect her public image.
Never doing anything purely from a place of genuine care, but rather for the sake of public persona, validation, and recognition (and if she didn’t receive it, she would complain about not getting it).
Offering public acts of kindness and generosity while being emotionally unavailable at home.
I remember convincing her to come to a therapy session with me years ago so that I could confront and address my childhood with her. During the session, she denied things that she and I both knew were true, even when I said, “You were literally there for these examples and you did nothing to protect me or my brothers from the abuse,” She continued to deny everything, and I remember sitting there not knowing whether to laugh or cry at how absurd it felt to watch a grown woman tell blatant lies to a therapist’s face. That was when I knew something in her thinking was very off.
Decades later, her “best” still looks exactly the same today. There has been no growth, only remaining stagnant in the “I did the best I could” mentality. She still desperately clings to protecting her self-image and reputation by rationalizing her past choices, rewriting events to make herself appear blameless, and omitting key details that would reveal the full truth. When her actions are questioned, she shifts the focus to how much she has “endured” or “sacrificed,” often portraying herself as the misunderstood victim rather than acknowledging any part she played in the harm.
Coming to terms with this has been painful, but also freeing. I have learned that waiting for her to change is never going to happen. Her inability to take responsibility, even when confronted with undeniable truth, has made it clear that the only real change will come from me removing myself from the cycle altogether. For my own peace and well-being, I have to accept that this is who she chooses to be... and to choose myself instead.
What Adult Children Can Do When They Hear This
If you hear “I did the best I could”, pause and ask yourself:
Has their behaviour visibly changed? Are they more respectful, more self-aware, more empathetic than before?
Do they take responsibility? Do they acknowledge harm without defending or justifying it?
Are they willing to do better now? Growth is not just an apology. It is a change in actions. How are they acting differently than before?
If the answer to these questions is no, then their “best” is just a wall they have built to protect themselves from facing the truth. This phrase, “I did the best I could,” is often used by covert narcissists as a way to shut down further discussion and preserve their self-image.
Narcissists rarely ever change because admitting fault would mean dismantling the version of themselves they have worked so hard to protect. That wall allows them to avoid accountability, keep their reputation intact, and continue the same patterns without change. It is not a reflection of their actual limits, but of their unwillingness to do the hard work of growth.
As the adult child, there is nothing you can do to change this belief, because changing a narcissist is impossible. When you hear it, take it as a sign to stop debating the past, start protecting your own present and future, and create strong boundaries or consider removing yourself from the dysfunction entirely.
The Bottom Line for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature & Narcissistic Parents (AKA The Scapegoats)
When emotionally immature parents say “I did the best I could”, it is often a shield against change. It is a way to keep you in your old role while they avoid looking at themselves.
If you are the scapegoat, hear this clearly: you are not the problem.
You are not imagining the hurtful things that happened, and you are not overreacting. You are being dismissed and gaslit by people who are more invested in protecting their image than repairing the damage they caused.
As scapegoats, guess what? We also have the ability to do the best we can. .. but like, the action version of that statement. The difference is that our “best” can mean making the hard but healthy choice to remove ourselves from the family dysfunction with the understanding and clarity that it will never get better.
Your job is not to prove your pain or convince them to see it. It is to see it yourself, name it, and stop letting their version of events overwrite your truth.
Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is accept that their “best” is never going to get better, refuse to let it define what you deserve, and step fully into a life where your reality is not up for debate.
Definitions
Scapegoat: In a dysfunctional family, the scapegoat is the child who is unfairly blamed for the family’s problems, targeted with criticism, and made to carry the responsibility for issues they did not create. This role serves to protect other family members from facing their own faults or dysfunction.
Covert Narcissist: A person who seeks admiration and control in subtle or indirect ways, often appearing humble, sensitive, or self-sacrificing while still lacking empathy and manipulating others to protect their self-image.
Communal Narcissist: A person who gains admiration and validation by presenting themselves as especially caring, generous, or community-minded, often using “good deeds” to enhance their reputation while still exploiting or dismissing those closest to them.
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